Pondering the Absence of Graciousness

My husband recently ran across a letter from his great grandfather to his great grandmother during those folks “courting” days. (Compliments of S.L. Stovall  to Miss Emma Saverance and asks the pleasure of her company next Sunday evening (missing word) Sunday School. ) I am amazed at the graciousness and refinement of a West Texas farmer, especially in light of the way modern history views that time period as culturally uncouth.  Yet there is a preponderance of historical documents that demonstrate such graciousness and refinement across most of rural and urban America at that time. A result, not only of the sophisticated universities in large cities, but the dedication of rural teachers who taught grammar, elocution, along with the basics and coached students in the production of plays, music, and community events. “Copperplate” handwriting, an elegant form of cursive writing was common and even the most illiterate of folks were gracious and respectful in their speech. And before someone decides to slam me for “romanticizing” those times, yes I do know there were evil folks then just as now who did not display such graciousness, but I am referring to the majority of people at the time.

Men knew how to be gentlemen regardless of their occupation or background and did not deem it “sissified” to be mannerly. Brawling wasn’t accepted, although boxing was. While westerns paint those without guns as “dandies”, that term was originally reserved for those upper-class gentlemen who spent an inordinate amount of time on clothes and personal hygiene. And even those gentlemen were handy with gun and sword.

When did we lose that graciousness? Was it the horrors of a world war that stripped men of their ideals and kindnesses? Was it the reaction of womenkind who despised the brokenness of those returning from battles, lost in the cruelties witnessed on battlefields? Was it the innate nature of humanity that reacts negatively to abuse and harshness?

I do not know. Yet, we have lost something precious and infinitely wonderful by stripping men of the tender side of their nature, requiring them to be either “brutes” to prove their manliness or “milquetoast” without any backbone for fear of insulting someone or losing face.   A man’s strength comes from a unique blend of meekness (strength under control) and his ability to defend and protect. One without the other is useless. A case in point is the classic Star Trek original series episode The Enemy Within.

Let me quickly say, there are many men who are still gentlemen, who are strong protectors and defenders, yet tender and gracious in their treatment of others. Unfortunately, Hollywood and modern writers seem unable to write such men. Modern “heroes” are either brutes or emasculated. It’s very sad and many times I’m so disgusted at the lack of respect given men that I’ve put down a book or turned off a program. I’m not holding out for heroes, but I do think we need to believe, look for, and write about moral men with strength of character, kindness of heart, and integrity. They exist, they are real and should be lifted up as models of manhood once more.